No one wants to be the victim of a cheating spouse. It hurts the ego and leaves one wondering if the entire relationship has been a sham. The hurt can cut extremely deep and have a severe effect on future relationships. It can become hard to trust another partner again and cause brutal damage to one’s self-esteem. It can leave the victimized partner questioning everything about him or herself as well. Collateral damage can include the effect on children of the relationship as well as financial security.
We’re often taught from childhood to ignore our instincts. Instincts, however, don’t go away. If you feel that something is wrong, it makes sense to “check it out”. Ask your partner what’s going on and try to open a dialogue. If your concerns are dismissed, but you still feel that something’s wrong, take a look at the list below and see if you notice a pattern.
Remember, anyone can fit into a couple of these points below. However, if you’re noting a large swing in behavior, it could be indicative of a cheating spouse.
The following include some signs that your spouse might be cheating on you:
1. E-mail or full computer access passwords are changed.
2. Avoids allowing you access to his/her cell phone.
3. Needs privacy when making phone calls.
4. Hides bills (cell phone, credit card, bank statements).
5. Wants time alone with friends when in the past you had accompanied one another.
6. Claims new personal interests which do not include you (new sporting league, book club, etc).
7. Changing clothing out of eyesight when modesty had not been a prior issue.
1. Work schedule suddenly changes.
2. Work requires travel when there had been none in the past.
3. Frequently misses or cancels family or spouse engagements (family night, prior commitments with you). “Something just came up”.
4. Claims new personal activity, but times of activity are inconsistent.
5. Phone calls at odd hours.
1. More time at work than usual.
2. More time spent on computer than normal.
3. Suddenly becomes asexual or wants more sexual activity.
4. Takes more pride in personal appearance.
5. Begins or drops habit (smoking, drinking, reading, etc).
6. Begins doing own laundry, more frequent/smaller loads and at odd times.
7. Showers immediately upon arriving home.
Its not you, its me:
1. Claims need for space to “figure things out.”
2. Separates emotionally; becomes emotionally unavailable.
3. Refuses to discuss issues or partake in couples counseling.
4. Becomes physically unavailable for family/partner events or discussions.
Its not me, its you:
1. Belittles inquiries, turning them around on you.
2. Dismisses concerns as paranoia.
3. Accuses you of being overbearing, suffocating, needy or prying.
4. Protests profusely.
5. Refuses to discuss your concerns.
Separates from friends:
1. Avoids gatherings with those who may be considered “your” friends.
2. Limits contact with friends who would normally confront unusual behavior.
3. Avoids your family.
1. Suddenly hard to contact at work.
2. Often has cell phone turned off or leaves unanswered.
3. Friends with whom s/he was supposedly with make excuses why s/he cannot come to the phone and will have him/her call you back.
4. Not where s/he says s/he will be.
From the outside in:
1. Frequent hang up calls when there were minimal or none in the past.
2. New social groups or interests which exclude you.
3. Receives gifts without reason or new objects are evident at home or in vehicle.
4. Friends recall seeing your spouse at time/location when spouse reported being elsewhere.
5. Co-worker attempts to reach spouse when spouse is reportedly at work.
6. Friends/family begin to inquire more about your relationship than normal.